CHAPTER FOUR Sheila Golding

POEMS by Sheila Golding

SCIATICA

Sciatica, sciatica, why'd you pick on me

I've got a pain in my back that goes down to my knee

Ever since I've had it ,I' ve had time for "thinks"

I've come to one conclusion, getting older stinks 

ARE YOU HUNGRY

Chorus...Are you hungry, are you hungry, child are you hungry

Are you hungry for the words of the Lord

Are you hungry, are you hungry, child are you hungry

Are you hungry for the words of the Lord

 

I was selfish, I was weak, I was tired but couldn't sleep

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

I was selfish, I was weak, I was tired but couldn't sleep

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

Chorus..Are you hungry.........

 

I was lonely, I was sad, lost everything I'd had

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

I was lonely, I was sad, lost everything I'd had

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

Chorus....

 

My life changed the day, I started to pray

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

Well, my life changed the day, I started to pray

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

Chorus...

 

He took away all my pain and let me start again

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

He took away all my pain and let me start again

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

Chorus....

 

He gave me blessings from above, peace and joy and love

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

He gave me blessings from above, peace and joy and love

Now I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

Chorus...

 

He died for you and me, so now you can see

Why I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

 Yes, He died for you and me so now you can see 

Why I'm hungry for the words of the Lord

 

THE DENTISTS CHAIR

When did my gnashers disappear

They get less every flippin' year

What am I gonna do

It's impossible to chew

I need a dentist, quick

 

I'm sitting in the dentist's chair

Gazing up at his nasal hair

Tut, tut he said

Pokes around and shakes his head

I've gotta get out of here

 

The dentist had a glint in his eye

False teeth, which ones you gonna buy?

None, I am not

I'll make do with what I've got

Soup, anyone? 

 

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT

I was a young first time Mum in a maternity ward (in the days when you stayed in hospital for a week or more and before the widespread use of disposable nappies). We were having a talk on the merits of 2 products "infacare " which was used in the bath and "napisan" for soaking dirty nappies.

Muddling the 2 products I confidently said "Well I surpose if you boil them up 2or 3 times a week they'll be alright" The room went silent, the nurse peered at me over her glasses and remarked "You're going to BOIL your baby?" How stupid did I feel.

Surprisingly I went on to raise 6 healthy (unboiled) children!

TWENTY TALL TREES

Twenty tall trees, blew in the breeze

The winter wind whipped them, just as it pleased

Fresh, frozen, frost shimmered and shone

The wild winter wind, blew on and on

Soft, silent, snow fell in the night

Sun sparkled snow, awakening delight

 

THE U BEND

My ex-husband bless him, had a very short temper. The kitchen sink was blocked. He unscrewed the u-pipe, rinsed it and flooded the cupboard, he then put the washing up bowl into the cupboard to catch the water, carried on cleaning, put the u-pipe back where it belonged but then he couldn't get the bowl out. Getting in a mood, he took the u-pipe off again, pulled out the bowl full of water, and emptied it down the sink. You've guessed it, he flooded the cupboard!

 

HAIR RAISING

When my kids were growing up (like a lot of people) we didn't have much money. One day I was particularly skint but we needed shampoo. I couldn't afford my usual brand so I took a look at the cheapie ones. Not wishing to spend my last cash on rubbish I politely asked the shopkeeper if the stuff was any good.

He replied "are you trying to be ........... funny" It was only then I noticed his shiny bald head.

COFFEE ANYONE

Make me a coffee Mum, PLEASE. So I stumble into the kitchen half asleep and reach for the coffee jar. Coffee's ready I call in a few minutes. Sleepily she reaches for the cup, yuk that's horrible she shouts. It's just a bit weak. I said.

She had another sip and the face she made said it all. Can I have another one, that's disgusting. With thoughts of ,if you want it any different make the bloody coffee yourself, running through my head, I returned to the kitchen, got a clean cup, and reached for the jar, only THIS time I noticed the word BISTO on the jar. Yes, I had made my daughter gravy with milk and two sugars. In my defense the jars are very similar.

I'M NOT FAT

In the kitchen at the weekend my two daughters were helping me prepare a large meal, my grandson, Michael was trying as usual to find something to eat. One of my daughters is heavily pregnant and is no longer her usual slender self. Her brother is forever teasing her with comments such as "wide load coming through" and "shift your lard". Understandably she was getting fed up with the comments. Her sister defended her saying "she's not fat, she's pregnant"
A while later after Michael had eaten a large roast dinner and a pudding, his Uncle said "You'll get fat if you eat like that."
Michael's reply, "I'M NOT FAT I'M PREGNANT!

CHEEKY

I would have been about 7, Mum was upstairs getting changed, there was a loud knock on the door. Mum ran downstairs in her undies, grabbed her apron and answered the door. She chatted to the tradesman for a while, he was oblivious to her state of undress(thanks to the apron). She would have got away with it had she not turned around to search for her purse to pay.

DON'T ASK  A LADY

Don't ask a lady her age

There's nothing quite so guaranteed

To put her in a rage

Please don't ask a lady her age

You can ask her out to dinner

If she's free to come

You can ask her back home later

To meet your dear old Mum

But don't ask a lady her age

You can ask about financial things

What she's like with money

You can ask about her cooking skills

If something's tasting funny

But don't ask a lady her age

You can ask her about music

All the latest hits

But there's one thing you never ask

If you value your "bits"

Don't ask a lady her age

HAVE I GOT THE X FACTOR

The washing is taking over

The dishes are doing the same

If I could sing, I would go on T.V

To see if I could find fame

I'd stand in front of the judges

And open my mouth to sing

But the only sound that comes from me

Is the one where my bra-top goes "ping"

Simon's eyes would light up

His pearly whites would shine

He likes a bit of ???? does Si

But he's not having mine

The other judges shake their heads

As they say, sorry, no

It was nice to meet you

But now it's time to go

I wander back home in silence

To do what I do best

The washing and dishes will still be there

But I just need a rest

I HAVE got the X factor

I'm eXhausted!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE MY NEIGHBOR

Love thy neighbor as thyself

The Bible taught to me

Love thy neighbor as thyself

Is how it all should be

My neighbor is a funny man

He don't like my cat at all

When she gets in his garden

He always starts to bawl

Get off my grass you mangy cat

Shoo, shoo you smelly stray

No good, can't love my neighbor

I'll have to move away!

I'VE EATEN THE TINSEL

I've eaten the tinsel

And spat out mince pies

There's something real strange

Going on with my eyes

The tree is pirouetting

On one tiny root

Santa lies in a heap

All covered in soot

The crackers are cracking

All by themselves

The settee is covered

In red and green elves

Perhaps it's the whisky

Or maybe the gin

That's responsible for

The state I am in

I'm going back to bed

And when I wake

Put things back to normal

For goodness sake

The bedroom is spinning

It won't go away

I'm not gonna wake up

Until Boxing Day

 

 

MY TRAIN

Why has my train always left

By the time that I arrive

I am always really late

No matter how I strive

A knock on the door

A phone call

Or maybe even worse

Getting halfway to the station

Having left behind my purse

One day I managed it

I got there on time

To find the train was cancelled

They were working on the line

MY HUSBAND'S LEGS

I cannot find my husband and I've looked everywhere

I've looked in every cupboard and under every chair

I run up to the bathroom looking for the pegs

The first thing that I see, is my husband's legs

He's fallen through the attic floor, he's been up there a while

I try and try to sound concerned but I can't help but smile

When the fire brigade came by, I made them all some tea

We just sat there chatting, happy as can be

We'd better get your husband now, one said after an hour

But when they finally got him down, his expression was quite sour

I don't believe you left me, you really didn't care

I said Oh, do stop moaning or I'll wish I'd left you there

(I realise the fireman would not really act this way, no offence intended)

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

Where have you been, I've been up half the night

I thought you were hurt, you gave me a fright

Oh, been out with Jeff, I know that's not true

'Cos he texted me, looking for you

If you've got someone else

Just tell me, be wise

I won't believe any more of your lies

Oh, you got arrested, too much to drink

Spent a cold night down at the clink

I don't believe you, you know I can check

But I'm off out with Jeff now

Hey, what the heck

THE OFFICE

There's Shirley from the typing pool

She gossips all day long

What she says is seldom right

And often very wrong

We all try not to listen

To the nonsense she will spout

Ignoring her is usually

Rewarded with a shout

The new girl on the printer

Well Shirl had her in tears

For having the audacity

To cover up her ears

Then Shirl got a mystery bug

Rushed in, in the night

The office was too quiet

It didn't seem quite right

The boss came in to work quite late

As he had been to see her

He said the nurse had told him

Shirl has verbal diarrhea!

 

THE LAST BUS

I went to see my Dad

He lives out of town

However do these people

Manage to get around

I leave Dad's at half past nine

And I'm waiting in the road

No bus is coming

Then I am told

You won't get a bus tonight

Now it's after ten

I walk away from the stop and then

See the headlights coming

And race back towards the stop

The driver waves and drives on by

My jaw begins to drop

Soon a taxi pulls up

Where d'you wanna go

I didn't order a taxi, did I, no

My son told me you'd want one

Said the driver, with a smile

I scratched my head

And I thought for a while

But I don't know your son

I don't mean to make a fuss

But who is your son

He was driving the last bus

 

WEDDING NUMBER FOUR

 

I've already had three husbands and the total's set to rise

Most of the folk that I know just can't believe their eyes

My friend just asked me Suzy, is it 'cos you like the cake

My Mum looked disapproving,you are making a mistake

I raced back from the shops to show my Dad my brand new dress

My Dad is quite straight talking, not easy to impress

You've been up and down the aisle girl, more than most folk change their shoes

Carry on like this,you'll be front page news

Undettered I carried on planning my big day

After listening to everyone and what they had to say

I've squirmed and squeezed into my dress

The taxi's at the door

I'm really looking at my best for wedding number four

At the church the vicar says do you take this man

I stand there and I scratch my head

Well, I suppose I can

My new man races from the church

He's heading down the drive

Don't worry folks, I'll be back

For wedding number five!

 

PUT THINGS AWAY

Put things away in a drawer

My Mother told me, when I was four

Keep things tidy and neat

Not under my feet

Put things away in a drawer

 

My bricks used to disappear

My books  and my car

Mum said, it's o.k,

I know where  they are

I've put them away in a drawer

 

Mum was a fanatic

If  it wasn't in the attic

She put it away in a drawer

 

Mum, Mum where's Dad?  

 

POOR PUSSY

 

The summer rain, it fell and fell, well into the night

When kitty went to go outside, he got an awful fright

The cat-flap, it was flooded and pussy couldn't swim

Even with his bathers on, this skill evaded him

So he stood there, with his legs crossed and held a firm belief

That a heat-wave would soon descend so he could get relief

 

I’VE GONE  CUCKOO

 

Cuckoo,cuckoo, my clock it sang to me

Cuckoo,cuckoo, it's a quarter to three

Cuckoo,cuckoo, now it's three o'clock

The noise got on me nerves, so I  hit it with me sock

 

The bird looked quite dejected,

It's little head hung down

And if you looked quite closely

You could see a little frown

 

At three fourteen I said to him

Don't you flippin' dare

Instead he muttered ookcuc

And gave me quite a stare

 

I sent him to the menders

To fix him, if he could

He came back with a bandage

Around his beak of wood

 

Everything was quiet as I placed him in the hall

Everything was calm, there was no noise at all

Ashamed of what I'd done, I took the bandage off

A tear formed in his eye

And he gave a little cough

 

Now my cuckoo's home

He doesn't "cuckoo" any more

I nearly fell off my chair

The first time that he swore

 

You nasty, spiteful bitch

Why did you do that

You put me through agony

And by the way, you're fat 

 

DOCTOR, DOCTOR

 

Give me something for this, and something for that

I've got an ache Doc, here in my back

Must have a rash, got a terrible itch

I've grazed my finger, do I need a stitch

Last time I had that Doc, you gave me a pill

No, not seen you lately Doc

You see I've been ILL

 

WHY DON”T MY KNICKERS FIT

 

Why don't my knickers fit, how can that be?

A size 14 fits others, why not me?

I went to the assistant and she explained

I'll find the problem, I've been trained

When she finished measuring, she looked down at the floor

My dear, you don't need size 14, you need size 24

 

JUST DESERTS

 

Did you give your little sister a black eye

No I didn't, something fell from the sky

She looked up to see

It really wasn't me

No I didn't give my sister a black eye

 

Did you eat your big sisters sweet

No I didn't, and he shuffled his feet

Why would I do that

It must have been the cat

No I didn't eat my big sisters sweet

 

Ben, have you been to make your bed

Yes I did and he nodded his head

But an alien came round and he jumped up and down

When I catch him

I'll punch him in the head

 

Mum called, I've got you all a treat

It's icecream, all that you can eat

Ben started to moan

When he saw his empty cone

Oh, the Ice-cream Monster ate it, sorry sweet.

 

NIC N TUCK

 

I've been around for quite some time

The years have taken toll

I've got more lines than British Rail

More "crows feet" than the crow

 

I went down to the clinic

And they promised to adjust

To nip n tuck and lift it up

A "boob job" is a must

When the work was finished

I looked good as I can

I dressed up smart, went down the pub

To find a brand new man

I found one in an instant

He was young and slim and tall

My friends just sat and looked on

I was the envy of them all

 

We went for a long walk

Up a great big hill

Halfway up, I gasped for breath

I really felt quite ill

He said "I'll take you out tonight"

I'll pick you up at ten

I replied "don't bother mate"

I'll be in bed by then

 

It's well and good to look so young

The thing that bothers me

Is though I look about thirty five

I still FEEL sixty three 

 

THE DIET

 

I'm going on a diet

I'll give it a try

Then when I'm thin

It'll be "one in the eye"

For the people who poked fun

The people who scoffed

The people who thought

That I was too soft

To work out and diet

I'll prove them wrong

Then I'll be skinny

Before too long

Eat lean meat and friut

Water I'll sip

I'll do it all

After just one more CHIP

 

MUM REALLY

 

Where have you been, Mum?
With a new man
I didn't think, didn't know that you can
No, not at YOUR age, that can't be true
Who'd want to spend the night talking to you
Where did you go, I hope you weren't seen
Yes, so do I love, he was only nineteen!